A Pushin', and a Pullin'

I used to be a fun mom.  I would get down on the floor and play with my kids.  We'd laugh and be silly.  I'd tumble them and tickle them and blow raspberries on their bellies.  I'd play along in music class and in our early childhood ed classes. 

I loved being a fun mom.  Now, I'm the mom who has to push.  The mom who insists on homework getting done, and piano getting practiced.  Now I'm the mom that E insists is too hard on him because I have expectations that are too high.  I hate this role.  It isn't fun at all.  But it is so terribly important.  That boy is so capable when he can focus.  He is so smart when we wants to be.  But he is also incredibly lazy and loves to stall stall stall when it comes to getting work done. 

He biggest dream is to work for Microsoft some day.  And oh, do we want that for him.  We try to explain that in order to reach your goals you have to work hard.  He thinks he should just get everything he wants because he wants it.  It is hard to explain the way the world works to any kid, but to one who a social disorder it is an enormous task.  He wants life to be fair -- but his version of fair is just that it is fair to him.  Again he thinks it should all be his way all of the time.  And yes, everyone else should always get their way too.  Ahhhhh, if only life did work that way but that would have to mean that there were no competing interests in the world.  There's the rub. 

I miss the days when my biggest expectations were to spend the day on the floor engaging my child in play.  I miss getting to be silly.  It's not that I never am any more, it's just so much less than I'd like.  My kids think that when they are grown-ups they'll get to do whatever they want, but frankly I think I'm still waiting for that moment.